Tuesday, December 01, 2009

A Potpourri of Paul's Predictions and Profound Pronouncements

From Paul Levine...

In 2010...

TIGER WOODS will be revealed to have staged his car crash to cover injuries his wife inflicted after he insisted she groom her private parts to resemble the 18th green at Augusta.

SARAH ("GOING ROGUE") PALIN will get pregnant and write a sequel to be titled, "Going Bareback."

BOBBY BOWDEN retires today. Dadgummit!

YUM. YUM. My third favorite meal is the 2/3 pound cheeseburger with horseradish mayo and a side of sweet potato fries from The Counter in Studio City. According to the restaurant's website, that amounts to 2,250 calories, 5,560 mg of sodium and a dainty 34 grams of saturated fat. Burp. Beer and dessert not included.

STANFORD'S TOBY GERHART, with his 26 TD's and 1,736 rushing yards, gets my vote for the Heisman. Okay, I don't really have a vote, and as a result Texas's Colt McCoy will win.

AUTHOR AND RACONTEUR LEE GOLDBERG denies he is the father of Heidi Klum's latest child but he can't deny the existence of a new book. Out TODAY in hardcover is "Mr. Monk in Trouble," a train robbery tale with the usual Monk mishegoss. I predict this one, ninth in the series, will make lots of loot, and good thing, because Seal is going to sue Lee for alienation of Heidi's affection.

MIKE HUCKABEE, you nutbag. You did a bad, bad thing.

SARAH PALIN...yes, again...loses her eyeglasses and departs from her prepared text when announcing her candidacy for the Presidency, saying: "Read my hips. No new faxes."

THREE FOOTBALL PREDICTIONS: Florida beats Alabama and Texas, but loses a close game to the New Orleans Saints in the Super Bowl. Notre Dame asks parishioners for extra moolah in the collection plate so it can pay many millions to Charlie Weis and his staff of boobs and bumblers. Joe Paterno announces he will absolutely, positively retire...after the 2023 season.

THE BIG TEN/ACC BASKETBALL CHALLENGE finally goes to the boys from the midwest. Games tonight.

GLENN BECK is found to be a paranoid schizophrenic who escaped from a mental hospital in Bavaria. Fox offers him a raise.

HURRICANE SEASON ends today. Hooray. Jim Born takes down the shutters and puts up his Christmas lights.

YET ANOTHER FOOTBALL PREDICTION: Cincinnati's Brian Kelly shockingly rejects the Notre Dame job because it's a step down. Jim Harbaugh takes the position just so he can play Michigan every year. Marc Trestman, coach of the Grey Cup champion Montreal Alouettes, gets the Stanford job. (This one is serious, folks).

YET ANOTHER CHARLIE WEIS ITEM: The former Notre Dame coach has a 27-pound lead but goes down to a close defeat in 2010's "Biggest Loser" on NBC.

IN BASKETBALL: The New Jersey Nets change their name to "Fairleigh Dickinson" and promptly lose to Seton Hall.

PROSPERITY RETURNS: In 2010, the stock market sets a new high, unemployment plummets, real estate stabilizes, and the Taliban are on the run in Afghanistan. Former Vice President Dick Cheney calls President Obama "a traitor and a communist who is leading the nation to ruin."

Paul Levine


  1. I think you can do better on Glenn Beck. Stephen King called him "Satan's mentally challenged younger brother." C'mon, Paul. Beating that one's a real challenge.

    Here's the T-shirt:

  2. I'm surprised you didn't predict that John Littell would "win" the Bad Sex in Fiction award for his book "The Kindly Ones."

  3. from Jacqueline

    Aw, Paul, did you have to mention that Cheney bloke? My day was OK until I saw that name, though had paled a bit with Palin. Great post!

  4. I am not the father of Heidi Klum's latest child, nor have I been having a torrid affair with a hostess at In-N-Out Burger who just happened to be at my last dozen signings. My wife did not try to kill me last night...she rescued me from my Miata with a baseball bat after I crashed into my own mailbox on 2:30 am this morning.

  5. Hopefully, ND has learned its lesson about what happens when it steals a successful head coach from Stanford. Everybody loses, though Stanford loses more since they hire guys like Buddy Teevens and Walt Harris as replacements.

  6. james O. Born12/01/2009 11:05 AM

    Ou were half right. I spent the weekend putting up Christmas lights. No shutters this year, thnak God.

    Bobby Bowden is a class act and had 28 great seasons, and the last six.


  7. Ah, Lee...so that's the meaning of "In-N-Out!"