Tuesday, March 03, 2009

Down Mexico Way...

From Paul

I'm down south in Calexico, where I researched "Illegal," the tale of a shady L.A. lawyer's search for a missing Mexican woman after a midnight border crossing goes to hell. (The book comes out three weeks from today, but if you can't wait, there's an excerpt here.) I'm now busy writing a magazine piece about the story-behind-the-story.

Maybe because I'm on the border, I'm thinking about "Touch of Evil," the 1958 film noir classic starring Orson Welles and Charlton Heston. I pose this question: Is the bloated and porcine Rush Limbaugh beginning to resemble Hank Quinlan, the corrupt police captain played by Welles in the film?

So...while I'm out-of-town, please have some old-fashioned meaningless fun. I live in Southern California, famous for earthquakes, mudslides, and Botox by the ton. Let's vote. Which Hollywood personality has had the most pathetic plastic surgery? Michael Jackson and Joan Rivers are ineligible. Too Easy! Mickey Rourke is also omitted because his performance in "The Wrestler" excuses years of dissolute, self-destructive behavior.

MARY TYLER MOORE (We loved you in black & white. We'd love you still, wrinkled and natural).

BRUCE JENNER (You remember him from the 1912 Olympics in Stockholm).

SUZANNE SOMERS (We want to squeeze her ears with a Thighmaster and see what pops out of her cheeks).

WAYNE NEWTON (I've seen better-looking corpses).

(He writes the songs that make the young girls laugh so hard they wet their pants).

Next week, back to more important issues.

The doctor will see you now.



  1. Holy cow! Those photos spooked me as badly as Hostel.

    Be careful down there, Paul.

    I watched Touch of Evil and felt somewhat offended at Charleton Heston's accent. It made me uncomfortable.


  2. I think the best "work" I've seen was on Angela Lansbury when she was still on Murder She Wrote (still one of my favorite shows). She looked the same, just well-rested. I want that cosmetic surgeon's name.

  3. Oh, boy, if plastic surgery didn't already scare the heck out of me, those photos would. You should have included Tom Jones - his face looks like a wax dummy exposed to a very hot day. But I like Patty's idea - having the "well-rested" surgery.

  4. Angela Lansbury always had a mature look, and I don't mean that in a snarky way. In "The Manchurian Candidate," she played Laurence Harvey's mother. At the time the film was shot, she was 37, and he was 34.

  5. There's a plastic surgeon who provides commentary online about various celebrities. Some of those pics creep me right out.

  6. Can I nominate Bob Dole? His work was done by no-bid contract, I'm certain.

  7. If you wish to carry the "Touch of Evil" analogy, then Rahm Emanuel is a skinny version of Uncle Joe Grandi (Akim Tamiroff). We all remember what Hank Quinland did to Joe Grandi alone in a hotel room.