Thursday, June 26, 2008

More Random Humor

James O. Born

I recieve e-mails from a dozen people and organizations that all feature humor about their own outfit. Police organizations, military officers, lawyers, you name it, I have a friend there willing to pass on their humor. This a sampling of humor and photos I received over e-mail.


First a memo from Osmama Bin Laden ( The last issue is my favorite)

To: All Al Qaeda Fighters

From: Osama bin Laden

Subject: The Cave (Do Not Distribute Outside the Organization).


Hi guys. We've all been putting in long hours recently but we've really come together as a group and I love that! However, while we continue to fight a Jihad in this New Year, we can't forget to take care of the cave, and frankly I have a few concerns:

First of all, while it's good to be concerned about cruise missiles, we should be even more concerned about the dust in our cave. We want to avoid excessive dust inhalation, (a health and safety issue) - so we need to sweep the cave daily. I've done my bit on the cleaning rota ..have you? I've posted a sign-up sheet near the cave reception area (next to the halal toaster).

Second , it's not often I make a video address but when I do, I'm trying to scare the s**t out of most of the world's population, okay? That means that while we're taping, please do not ride your scooter in the background or keep doing the 'Wassup' thing. Thanks.

Third : Food. I bought a box of Dairylea recently, clearly wrote "Ossy" on the front, and put it on the top shelf. Today, two of my Dairylea slices were gone. Consideration. That's all I'm saying.

Fourth : I'm not against team spirit and all that, but we must distance ourselves from the Infidel's bat and ball games. Please do not chant "Ossy, Ossy, Ossy, Oy, Oy, Oy" when I ride past on the donkey. Thanks.

Five : Graffiti. Whoever wrote "OSAMA F***S DONKEYS" on the group toilet wall. It's a lie, the donkey backed into me, whilst I was relieving myself at the edge of the mountain.

Six : The use of chickens is strictly for food. Assam, the old excuse that the 'chicken backed into me, whilst I was relieving myself at the edge of the mountain' will not be accepted in future. (With donkeys, there is a grey area.)

Finally , we've heard that there may be Western soldiers in disguise trying to infiltrate our ranks. I want to set up patrols to look for them. First patrol will be Omar, Muhammad, Abdul, Akbar and Dave.


Love you lots,
Group Hug.
Os.
PS - I'm sick of having "Osama Bed Linen" scribbled on my laundry bag. Cut it out, it's not funny anymore.
A Poster I like



A simple joke:
A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at
him. She says hello. He's rather taken aback because he can't place where
he knows her from.

So, he says, "Do you know me?"

To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to
his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party
that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while
your partner whipped my butt with wet celery?"

She looks into his eyes and says calmly, "No, I'm your son's teacher."






This is our dear friend Tom, or as you know him Tom T.O. He sent me the photo and knew I'd find the right use for it. He rocks!



Deep Thoughts For Those Who Take Life Way Too Seriously:

1. Save the whales - Collect the whole set.

2. A day without sunshine is like - Night.

3. On the other hand - you have different fingers

4. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

5. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

6. Remember, half the people you know are below average.

7. He who laughs last thinks slowest.

8. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

9. The early bird may get the worm - but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.

10. Support bacteria - They're the only culture some people have.

11. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

12. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.

13. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

14. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.

15. OK, so what's the speed of dark?

16. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

17. Hard work pays off in the future - Laziness pays off now.

18. Every one has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.

19. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?

20 Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines

21. What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

22. I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder .

23. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

24. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened

25. Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.

26. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

27. Life isn't like a box of chocolates . . . it's more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your butt tomorrow.

8 comments:

  1. patty smiley6/26/2008 8:04 AM

    Omigosh! What a fabulous picture of Tom. Indeed, he does rock.

    ReplyDelete
  2. First day back from 2 1/2 weeks in Owensboro, Kentucky at the MWA New Mysteries Festival (via Amtrak) with Stuart Kaminsky, Bob Levinson, Lee Goldberg, Mary and Carol Higgins Clark, Gene Hackman and his writing partner, and several local authors, and I have to be confronted with a picture of Tom, T.O.!! Cruel and unusual!

    Let me assure you: that picture was taken by co-workers telling me I may have waited too long to retire, NOT, I repeat NOT when the ewe backed into me as I was....

    Tom, T.O.

    ReplyDelete
  3. love that picture of tom! he looks
    quite a guy!

    it's intressting that you should have the same jokes half a world away. the one with the teacher's been around my neck of the woods for a few months now.

    sybille

    ReplyDelete
  4. James O. Born6/26/2008 11:45 AM

    Sybille. I love that joke.

    Tom is indeed photogenic.

    Jim

    ReplyDelete
  5. yeah, it's a gem. you should have heard my brother tell us.

    someone took a picture of me last carnival. it sure wouldn't look out of place next to toms.

    sybille

    ReplyDelete
  6. Here are a few more for you:
    Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?

    If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?

    Hard work has a future pay off. Laziness pays off now.

    ReplyDelete
  7. WTF WAS THAT? I hate it when i see someone spamming a perfectly well written blog !
    A Twist on the early bird catches the worm: The early worm gets caught by the bird.

    Like the jar of jallapenos reference....I just keep hearing Johnny Cash....Ring of Fire.

    Jon

    ReplyDelete
  8. patty smiley6/27/2008 7:44 AM

    Jon, WTF, indeed. I deleted the SPAM.

    ReplyDelete