Wednesday, May 14, 2008

Things I'm Glad I Didn't Get for Mother's Day

By Cornelia Read


Because my feets too big.

Double ewwwwwwwww.

Tickets to this.

Because a clothed garden gnome isn't tacky enough... when you want to send the very best.

And, bad sweaters, generally:

Not to mention a hand-knit iPod, which is sort of like a REALLY bad sweater:

Useless ugly hats:

Words me fail.

Cheesy figurines:

Because the only good Hummel is a dead Hummel.

Because there is such a thing as TOO MUCH DUCKIE!

No comment. I'll stick to Levis.

See "too much duckie," and add "too much bling."

Ugly shoes.

Even uglier jewelry.

Did I mention sweaters? Please, somebody, give this woman some Prozac.

Action figures:

"Tape this, suckers..."

"We're just friends..."
Chianti not included.
The Hare Krishna Zombie: redundant?

"Say hello to my little friend..."

Freddie Mercury. Seriously.

Just...... noooooooooooooooooo.

Here is what I did get:

And a very sweet phone call from New Hampshire.

Here is what I'd like next year:

What's the worst present you've ever received?


  1. I was given a pair of Chuck Norris jeans thirty years ago. Luckily they didn't fit.

    The worst or best present I ever got is the O.J. Simpson audio book from years ago. I never listened to it but the idea was great. I later bought up some at a dollar a piece and gave them as gag gifts.

    For my 40th birthday I got all kinds of gag gifts. Most useless. The best was a bottle of tequila named Jimador.

    I still have it.


  2. Heh. Love the photos, and the captions ;-)

    My mother used to buy me the most awful clothes. She just had no taste at all, and she'd always be so proud of her choices - it was really kind of cute.

    Other than that, can't think of any truly horrific presents. I guess I've been lucky.

  3. I got out of the army in December of 1971. That Christmas my mother gave me a gift box containing hair spray, after shave lotion and some kind of fake tanning goo.

    I was growing a beard, didn't plan on getting a haircut any time soon and had just spent 2 years in the Central American sunshine.

  4. Ok, aside from the bad sweaters... what's with the skintight gold pants that woman's wearing???

  5. During the (Bill) Clinton years, my father would regularly gift me with those sleazy "expose" books about the Clintons. You know the type I mean...the ones that insist Hillary killed Vince Foster.

    They didn't even make good fire lighter.

  6. a hand knit ipod? Now I've really seen it all! LOL!


    Heros of the Nazis action figure dolls are actually available now....

    OY !~


  8. Evil Stepmonster gave me "The Clapper" one year, but her fave ploy is playing "what you will get when I am dead"-- and she likes to tell me the full length Blackglama Mink, which looks like a coat made from skinned cats. Hey, make it soon, and I'll take all the boodle and the Vintage LV Steamer Trunks, ok????

  9. I got my backyard weeded for Mother's Day! Best damn present I ever got!

    As for action figures, I think my daughter got extra credit in her latest lit. seminar since I (thoughtful mother that I am) had given her a Jane Austen action figure for Christmas - complete with's that for cool?

  10. Worst present ever for me... an aeronautical and space dictionary from my old man when I was ten. I can't even understand it now, and never expressed even a passing interest in planes or spacecraft as a child. Not even "Wow, dad, that plane is big!"

    Maybe he got it confused with that famous boys book: "The Hardy Boys and Their Fat Friend Unravel the Mysteries of Flight"?

    My God that Freddie Mecury action figure is awesome! Wonder what action it performs? And does it come with bendable boyfriend accessory?

    And Chuck Norris Jeans - is there anything cooler in the world? They have an elasticated crotch area for doing high kicks or for when a lusty babe walks past. Awesome.

  11. I'm not sure if it tops my all-time list, but my worst present in recent memory came from my (moderately nutso) aunt, last Christmas, in a Victoria's Secret box. (Please imagine me, sitting at the dining room table with my parents and my little brother, hoping to God that this was a case of box reuse.) I opened it up and inside I found: a crocheted sweater vest. I'd say it was the sort of thing my grandmother would wear, but my grandmother had too much taste.

  12. Worst present. husband comes home bearing a plastic/vinyl covered clipboard folder thingy. Unwrapped. for my birthday which was that day or the day before. Or after.
    Second worst. A large ceramic shell. i think it was a bowl. It was f*ckin ugly. A wedding gift from someone who said she'd found it at "a gift show". There's a clue right there. If it's from a "gift show" or from some mall thing called a "gift shop" - if its only purpose is as a thing you give someone? It probably sucks frogs BIg Time.
    one reason i probably had to quit my volunteer job at the hospital a few years back was that i went through SUCH agonies during December as the Nic3e Ladies showed up in their Xmas sweaters. Some blinked, some lit up, all were hugely ugly. I seriously despise that sort of clothing - you can wear once, everyone MUST tell you how cute it is.
    Ok but on the other hand, i LOVED the knitted iPhone and have been wanting a hoodie for my iPod for YEARS now. And er, um, chez roscoe there's no such thing as too many duckies. Sorry. That includes a couple from "celebriducks" and a couple from Archie McPhee it's true. They keep our many action figures (Hudini, Leonardo, van Gogh, the Librarian, Sherlock Holmes - thank you Archie McPhee) company.

    Jim, Chuck Norris Jeans? Er, what makes them CN, his name on the butt or something?

    Stu used to get gag gifts for artists which got hugely tiresome after the first several "paint by number" hah-hahs. Not even awfully funny when you're 8, but really seriously not funny when you're 15. Or 30. And are a "real" artist.

    I always wonder that people give readers like us books if only because they must know the risks that a) we've read them b) we know about them and would have bought them already if we wanted them and c) readers like us don't just read any book put in front of them. (ok, except in desperation and even THEN....)

  13. Gotta admit, I like the duckie. Must be on steriods. Either way, it gave me a much needed laugh this afternoon.


  14. I once got a dorky cart on wheels. I was disappointed at first but now I use it all the time to haul stuff. So, you never know...

  15. Too much Ducky? Hmmm...I don't think Ducky would agree, but then he does believe it's all about him.

    And I think the lady with the sweaters knows just how awful they are. Did you take a good look at her expression? It has "someone's gonna pay for this" written ALL over it!

    The worst present was not one I got but my son, at the ripe old age of 4, got three size 40 DD bras. From my crazy aunt. No idea why. We just stared at each other then burst out laughing because what else can you do?

  16. Fran , those bras would have made the slingshots from HELL!!!

  17. Well, I love the iPod. I think it's kind of wry. I always love hybrid fusion textile art forms. Besides, it's cute!

  18. You guys are great! And I totally agree with Marcus about those bras.

    AZ, I think the iPhone is cute, but it would really suck to realize you'd put THAT one in your pocket if you got lost in the desert or something. Plus, it reminds me of having been cell-phoneless and Amish for seven years, and I guess the memory is still too fresh for me.

  19. Apologies to Marcus for not reading his response and seeing the Very Very Scary description of the Norris jeans. Oh my GODS.

    I agree with Fran - she knows. That's WHY she's wearing gold lame leggings.

    C, I once bought a candy cell phone - i can still find them at Walgreens. YEARS before mom sent me the phone; it's plastic, filled with candy thingies and makes noise if you push various buttons. i still have it. I like it as much as I do our friend who has set the ring tone on his cell phone to sound like an "old-fashioned" desk phone. Welcome to the Luddite League. We use 'em, we just have issues.....

    Ariel, I have to send you the image of the purse made out of videotape - it's really Fantastic, really honest. You'd never know it was crocheted from plastic! But then again,the band is used to my emails going "look. look, it's soap that looks like sushi!" I'm forever finding "things that look like other things" and going into raptures about them.