Thursday, June 12, 2008

Application to Date My Daughter

James O. Born

For fathers everywhere, this application was sent to me over e-mail by a friend of mine. This is nothing compared to the application boys must fill out to visit my daughter in her barred room.

This is unedited. I apologize if it offends anyone. If you'd like to make yourself feel better, feel free to make redneck jokes, weight jokes or stupid cop jokes.

Now, in honor of father's day:




APPLICATION FOR PERMISSION TO DATE MY DAUGHTER NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history, lineage, and current medical report from your doctor. NAME_____________________________________ DATE OF BIRTH_____________ HEIGHT___________ WEIGHT____________ IQ__________ GPA_____________ SOCIAL SECURITY #_________________ DRIVERS LICENSE #________________ BOY SCOUT RANK AND BADGES__________________________________________ HOME ADDRESS_______________________ CITY/STATE___________ ZIP______ Do you have parents? ___Yes ___No Is one male and the other female? ___Yes ___No


If No, explain: _____________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________________ Number of years they have been married________ If less than your age, explain ____________________________________________________________________ ACCESSORIES SECTION: A. Do you own or have access to a van? __Yes __No B. A truck with oversized tires? __Yes __No C. A waterbed? __Yes __No D. A pickup with a mattress in the back? __Yes __No E . A tattoo? __Yes __No F. Do you have an earring, nose ring, __Yes __No pierced tongue, pierced cheek or a belly button ring? (IF YOU ANSWERED YES TO ANY OF THE ABOVE, DISCONTINUE APPLICATION AND LEAVE PREMISES IMMEDIATELY. I SUGGEST RUNNING.) ESSAY SECTION: In 50 words or less, what does 'LATE' mean to you? ______________________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________________ In 50 words or less, what does 'DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER Mean to you ? __________________________________________________________ ____ ______________________________________________________________ In 50 words or less, what does 'ABSTINENCE' mean to you? ______________________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________________ REFERENCES SECTION: Church you attend ___________________________________________________ How often you attend ________________________________________________ When would be the best time to interview your: Father? _____________ Mother? _____________ Pastor? _____________ SHORT-ANSWER SECTION: Answer by filling in the blank. Please answer freely, all answers are confidential.


A: If I were shot, the last place I would want to be shot would be: ______________________________________________________________


B: If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my: ______________________________________________________________


C: A woman's place is in the: ______________________________________________________________


D: The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is: ______________________________________________________________


E. What do you want to do IF you grow up? ___________________________ ______________________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________________


F. When I meet a girl, the thing I always notice about her first is: _________________________________ _____________________________


G. What is the current going rate of a hotel room? __________________





I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT, NATIVE AMERICAN ANTI TORTURE, CRUCIFIXION, ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE WATER TORTURE, RED HOT POKERS, AND HILLARY CLINTON KISS TORTURE. ________________ Applicant's Signature (that means sign your name, moron!) _______________________________ ________________________________ Mother's Signature Father's Signature _______________________________ ________________________________ Pastor/Priest/Rabbi State Representative/Congressman! Thank you for your interest, and it had better be genuine and non-sexual. Please allow four to six years for processing. You will be contacted in writing if you are approved. Please do not try to call or write (since you probably can't, and it would cause you injury). If your application is rejected, you will be notified by two gentleman wearing white ties carrying violin cases. (You might watch your back) To prepare yourself, start studying Daddy's Rules for Dating (below). Parents' Rules for Dating Your parents' rules for your boy friend (or for you if you're a guy) :


Rule One: If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.


Rule Two: You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.


Rule Three: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.


Rule Four: I'm sure you've been told that in today world, sex without utilizing a 'Barrier method' of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.


Rule Five: It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is: 'early.'


Rule Six: I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.


Rule Seven: As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process than can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?


Rule Eight: The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with strong romantic or sexual themes are to be avoided; movies which feature chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.


Rule Nine: Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.


Rule Ten: Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.

17 comments:

  1. great idea! i'll bear it in mind.


    sybille

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  2. Julia Spencer-Fleming6/12/2008 4:52 AM

    A dad at my daughter's school has the best line. When meeting the boy for the first time, he says, "I'm not afraid to go back to prison."

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  3. Julia, I choked on my coffee. That's one of the best lines I've heard yet.

    My father had similar rules, plus the guy had to be bigger than him and more money (which the first date was). I pitied the guys because they also had to get by my brother and my male cousins. (My husband took them seriously.)

    Jim, enjoy these years.

    Jeanne Ketterer
    (Julia, hope to see you again at Karen's)

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  4. Are your son's prospective dates required to fill out an application as well?

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  5. Snork!!! That was a real giggle, Jim. :-D

    Love the 'Nam bit at the end. Can just 'see' your cammoed face peering suspiciously from between the curtains in your darkened house, caressing your favourite gun... a pity if the poor boy in question was an Asian person...

    Paddle faster, I hear banjoes...

    Cheers,
    Marianne

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  6. Lori G. Armstrong6/12/2008 6:24 AM

    What a great post, Jim.

    Your daughter can use the line: my daddy's a cop. Our daughters have used the line: my daddy is in the firearms business :)

    Come to think of it...My father always seemed to be in his combat fatigues when dates picked me up.

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  7. patty smiley6/12/2008 6:48 AM

    Sheesh! It's amazing any of us ever had a date. Happy Father's Day to all our Naked Dads!

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  8. As long as the guy turned up with his tie in a perfect Windsor knot, my dad thought he was OK. Now my mother ... well, let's just say I didn't actually date much.

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  9. Jim, this is just too funny. You made my day with the "I have a shotgun, a shovel and five acres behind the house" line.

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  10. James O. Born6/12/2008 9:14 AM

    Debby,

    No gil has to fill out a questionaire. If they want to date my son they've already shown a lack of judgement.

    Thanks for all the comments.

    Jim

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  11. Rule #4...funny....rule #8, well that speaks to Patty's post on Monday........

    Jon

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  12. I'm hoping to avoid the need for this particular application entirely, as I'm keeping my fingers crossed that my daughter will turn out to be a lesbian. My wife disagrees, as she claims that, in the dating/relationship context, girls are "worse" than boys. As a former teenage boy, I know she's absolutely wrong.

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  13. Rule #3 was easily my favorite.

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  14. Not sure about the application, but you might want to attribute the author of at least eight of those rules:
    http://www.wbrucecameron.com/columns/8rules.htm

    I don't know where the other two came from.

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  15. James O. Born6/12/2008 1:17 PM

    Daisy,
    As I said in the opening, this was sent to me. I don't know the origins but appreciate your attribution.

    Jim

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  16. Never having been a father, I am still the Cool Uncle of the family. BUT.... I distinctly remember a conversation with a niece over a particular dress, and she actually snapped at me, "You just DON'T know what it's like!"

    I smiled the Gentle Smile, and said, "That's where your problem is, kid. I remember all too well being a 17 year old boy, and THAT is why you're not leaving the house in that!"

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  17. I've seen versions of this, back when it was a mimeograph that got handed around till the blue ink wore off. The last rule always included something about it being best to low crawl back to your vehicle in a zig zag fashion. Must have passed through the PD at one point in its travels...

    It is a mixed blessing that my father didn't live to see my dating years. He'd have hated every single guy I brought home until my husband, and then they'd have dumped me to go talk cars when he turned up in a '62 Falcon station wagon, which was a month older than I was.

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