Monday, February 04, 2008

The White House Library

Patty here…

CBS News anchor Katie Couric recently asked the leading presidential candidates what book, other than the Bible, they would take with them to the White House. The responses were politically correct and uninspiring. In addition, I have my doubts they were even truthful.

Every tome mentioned was non-fiction, mostly biographies of presidents like Adams and Lincoln. Hillary Clinton said she’d take her copy of the Constitution because she knew the present administration didn’t have one. Very amusing, Hillary. You must have been reading The Comic Toolbox: How to be Funny Even if You’re Not by John Vorhaus, so why didn’t you just say so?

Some people say there isn’t a library in the current White House, because George W. Bush doesn’t read, except for The Pet Goat, that children's picture book he couldn't put down, even as terrorists were attacking the World Trade Center. I say, come on people. Don’t be so hard on Dubya. I have it on good authority that he took at least one book to the White House, and I have the photograph to prove it.

George, in case you’re feeling adrift right now, here’s the sequel:

Too bad Bush didn’t have How to Talk About Books You Haven’t Read by Pierre Bayard. It would have saved him a lot of grief.

If threatened with a polygraph, I’m certain the presidential candidates would have confessed to Katie Couric that they were reading books by all the Naked Authors. They just didn’t want to offend any wealthy author/donors. We understand. Forgive? Maybe in time. But blah blah blahing about how The Federalist Papers are so near and dear to their hearts? As Rae would say, GAK! To stimulate the candidate’s collective imaginations, I’ve come up with a list of books they should consider for the new White House library.

John McCain

John seems a little…how can I put this…uptight.

He needs to relax. Here is a book that might help.

Charm School for Guys! How to Lose the Fugly and Get Some Snugly… by M. Marshall

McCain claims to be a straight-talking man of the people, but I kinda have my doubts. These books will connect him to his inner bubba.

Cooking with Beer

Larry the Cable Guy: Git-R-Done

Mitt Romney

Mitt is a good-looking guy with a perfect wife, a perfect family, and a perfectly good record of making lots of money. And that hair! You guessed it. PERFECT! Trust me on this one, folks. Behind all that perfection is an issue or two. Mitt, read this book:

The Cult of Perfection: Making Peace with Your Inner Overachiever by Cooper Lawrence

Here’s a book he could have written. Too bad somebody else beat him to the punch.

Loopholes of the Rich by Diane Kennedy

Barak Obama

Barak is an impressive candidate but he’s a smoker. Not good. We’ve had butts smelling up the Lincoln bedroom before, and we can’t allow it again. Barak says he’s quitting but I dunno. Here’s a book that may help him beat the addiction.

The Last Puff
by John W. Farquhar, M.D. and Gene A. Spiller, Ph.D.

Obama may be too young to have skeletons in his closet. Just so he knows what to avoid, he should read this:

History’s Greatest Scandals by Ed Wright

Hillary Clinton

These books are for you, girlfriend:

It’s so Hard to Love You by Bill Klatte, MSW, LCSW and Kate Thompson

When Your Lover is a Liar: Healing the wounds of Deception and Betrayal by Susan Forward, Ph.D.

Books for all the Candidates

All the presidential candidates could benefit from reading these books:

96 Great Interview Questions to Ask Before You Hire by Paul Falcone. I hope the author included these questions:

“Whaddaya say when I say waterboarding?”
“Are you willing to commit a federal crime to save my dumb ass?”
“You ever play liar’s poker without the poker?”

I suppose it’s a lot to ask, but I’m hoping this next book will come in handy when the new president tries to make nice to all the people in the world who’ve come to hate us in the past 8 years.

201 Icebreakers: Group mixers, warm-ups, energizers, and playful activities by Edie West.

Your turn. What books should the new president take to the White House library?

Happy Monday!

* * * * * * *

Note: We have a new link under out list of Blog Addictions, Lee Lofland's Police Procedure & Investigation: A Guide for Writers. Check it out.

Also note: to order the official Naked Authors team cell phone, click here. Prepare to be amused.


  1. Continuing my theme from last week, I would suggest Romney read "How to Talk Dirty and Influence People."

    When he's finsihed he can pass it on to Huckabee.

  2. Let's see now...

    For Hillary, Cover Your Assets is a natural.

    I think that Mitt fits with False Profits.

    And all of them get Short Change, because that's what they're going to do to the people who voted for them. :-)

    Er, and also because it would boost Patty's sales...

    Probably every one of the candidates should carry along Curious George, by H.A. Rey, as well. Lessons to be learned.

  3. I'd like to comment on this sentence in the blog: I suppose it’s a lot to ask, but I’m hoping this next book will come in handy when the new president tries to make nice to all the people in the world who’ve come to hate us in the past 8 years.

    Despite what's happening in the world, over the past four years or so, I've met (or been in contact with) more Americans than I have in my whole life previously, and without exception every one has done far more GOOD for the perception of Americans than the govt has harmed it.

    Americans have always had a reputation here in New Zealand as loud, abrasive and ignorant. Through contact with actual, real live Americans I've come to realise that the reputation only belongs to your politicians.

  4. I kinda want to give Bush a copy of FIELD OF DARKNESS. I mean, who knows more about "WASP Noir", right? But I guess he'd need the audio version.

  5. Ah, Jeff, so sweet.

    Marcus, thanks for your support. Or should I say THANKS YOUR SUPPORT!!! I haven't been to New Zealand (maybe a good thing?) but I've always wanted to. Maybe some day.

  6. With Bush spending our national treasure in Iraq, Russia is gearing up to cut off our cojones. I hope that if the next President looks into Vladimir Putin's eyes, he or she will see the dark snake-filled abyss. May I respectfully suggest:

    "Kremlin Rising: Vladimir Putin's Russia and the End of Revolution" by Peter Baker and Susan Glasser.

    Also, while this requires taking time away from raising money for the 2012 election and paying back favors incurred this year, the new president might want to read "The Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire" by Edward Gibbon.

    Or maybe just watch "Rome" on HBO.

  7. I'd suggest some Mark Twain, some Hunter S. Thompson, and some P.J. O'Rourke.


  8. I think you guys will have to depend on Laura to do the reading. Maybe she can write up the Cliff's Notes to present during a presidential breakfast.

  9. Well, for some reason my comment managed to get wiped off the board as soon as I made it, so if we end up with two more or less the same, you know what happened!

    Frankly, I just want to immerse myself in some Jane Austen until the whole presidential election thing is over. I have had a basinful of every single candidate so far - the bickering, the snide comments, the lies, the make-nice, the pretensions (yes, all of them, even the nice guy). The one with the trigger-finger scares me so much now, that I think guide books to living in New Zealand and Canada (and other such places) might be up and coming best-sellers just in case he's the next president.

    I would send each candidate a copy of The Pity of War by Niall Ferguson. Seeing as they probably wouldn't crack the thing open, at least the title might needle them a bit. nds seeing as I think that all candidates in this age should be proficient in a second language (and I mean international language, not Bluff), perhaps a few Berlitz courses would be in order. "Ich bin ein Berliner" is simply not enough anymore. Mind you, even if they had some languages, would it lead to the all-important dialogue? Maybe not, but it might show willing.

    Now, how about some Sense and Sensibility, or a bit of Pride and Prejudice? Beats Bleak House!

    Time for a cup of tea, methinks ...

    Great post, Patty.

  10. I believe that you are all being far too cerebral for these candidates.

    Think All I Really Need To Know I Learned in Kindergarten, by Robert Fulgham.

  11. Ron Paul, if he's still in the race, should read any book by Barry Commoner. Perhaps the Closing Circle.

    I liked Commoner's distaste for common politcal correctness.

    Paul has interesting, if not ipractical ideas but I like his ability to speak his mind. Despite what the implications for his chances at the office.

    Just wanted to point out a canidate outside the top circle.

  12. Great fun! Laughed so loud Sue came into the room to see what it was all about--cracked her up, too.

    PAT THE BUNNY for all of them!

    Thanks, Patty.


  13. And, if you Nakeds get a group discount on the cell phone, I'd like to be included!


  14. PAT THE BUNNY!!!!!! Why didn't I think of that. Brilliant, Groupie.