Monday, January 07, 2008

The Ginzu Gonzo Naked Authors Bus Tour

Patty here...

No mariner wants to be dubbed a fair-weather sailor. So if she decides to drive to the San Diego Boat Show during a Southern California monsoon, then she's going to don her Helly-Hansen foulies and drive to the San Diego Boat show in a monsoon.

I'm a bit of a boat-show groupie, so when I arrive I always head directly to the vendor aisles to check out the Ginzu knife guy, the trainer who shows you how to use a pressure cooker without triggering nuclear warheads, and the jewelry-cleaner experts who make your earrings brighter than a space shuttle lift-off. However, this year was a disappointment. There wasn't even one slice-and-dice or shampoo-your-hair-without-water demonstration. For one terrifying moment, I thought I'd actually have to go out in the rain and look at the boats.

As I pondered my alternatives, I remembered that we Naked Authors have been talking about getting a tour bus and traveling the highways and byways of this great nation, flogging our books (as Paulie always says). If we ever hope to realize our book-tour dream, we need to start planning. A top priority is a substantial diesel engine to propel the NakedMobile across the country. Something like this:

Of course, in inclement weather, we'll require a mat on which to wipe our feet before boarding the bus. I just couldn't decide if I should order blue-on-beige or beige-on-green. I'll let Our J decide.

As we travel through Arizona and New Mexico, the temperature is apt to heat up. When that happens, we can cool off in our very own inflatable wading pool, complete with awning.

After a cool dip in the pool, we'll relax at places like the Gaslamp Hotel in San Diego's Gas Light District. Joan Crawford's stiletto heel marks can still be seen on the bar, where she was apt to be found dancing, perhaps after one too many Dark and Stormies. I'll wager Miss Cornelia can leave a few marks of her own with the heels of her gold lamé boots.

I stumbled on this must-have bus accoutrement called the L'il Sucker.

"Simply slide the L'il Sucker over the bottom of any object and place it onto any smooth surface. Releases with the touch of a finger."

The directions sound a bit ambiguous. I vote we put James O in charge of demystification.

I'll bring along some extra Ginzu knives I bought at past boat shows and we'll be ready to roll. Please let us know if you'd like us to stop at a bookstore near you.

Happy Monday!



  1. I assure you I am an expert with instructions like that.

    I look forward to touring with you any time.


  2. We think you're an expert on everything, James O, including that :o)

  3. Very timely, my dear, as I set off on that road tour again tomorrow. Could you just teach me to pack with fewer than eght pair of shoes?

  4. Louise, I remember back in the day there was a class taught by a flight attendant on how to pack for a month, using one teeny tiny bag. If only I'd taken it, I could help you. Good luck on the road and many heartfelt congrats on all the excellent buzz for Fault Tree.

  5. Re: the naked bus tour.

    Plan B: We use Patty's seafaring skills to Huck Finn down the Mississippi, docking at river towns to ply our wares and quaff absinthe from St. Louis to New Orleans.

  6. I think the inflatable pool might go well in my office, since I can't afford a jacuzzi. How much did it cost?

  7. I was thinking a NakedAuthors yacht tour, with PS as Captain, working it's way down the coast from Anchorage, through the Canal, then all along the Gulf to Miami and northward. Surely sipping mint juleps amongst Mississippi magnolias could make for a mighty fine midway hiatus.

    Patty, mon Capitán, you'll have to divvy up the other shipboard duties. Just remember that you'll have a hold full of books to dole out along the way.

  8. Oh my! What excellent ideas. Mark, the inflatable pool was a bit pricey but it would look faboo in your office. Love love love the Huck Finn idea. And Jeff, what duty will you volunteer for?

  9. And Jeff, what duty will you volunteer for?

    For some reason "First Mate" has a certain appeal to it. However, this Iowa boy is as much a greenhorn as Horatio Hornblower ever was. If enthusiasm counts, perhaps putting new meaning to the phrase "rocking the boat"?

    What kind of music does everyone groove to?

  10. Just make sure your tour comes by Seattle Mystery Bookshop, that's all I ask!

  11. Jeff, I suspect most of us groove to the beat of a different drummer, but who knows.

    Fran, of course we'll be at one of our favorite bookstores in one of our favorite cities! Can't wait.

  12. Patty, Was driving down the coast yesterday, so didn't see your post until today - can't wait for this tour. Throw in some music and we'll put the Rock Bottom Remainders to shame! Great post - and I have to tell you, I love boat shows.

  13. Damn, Plan B sounds grand. Put me down for galley-slave, er cook...amd rotating personal assistant to whomsoever is flogging their book at any given time.

    The blender can work for cocktails just as well as it can for food. :-D