Monday, January 28, 2008

Embarrassing Moments

Patty here...

The west wall of my bedroom is floor-to-ceiling glass. I have window blinds but I rarely close them because my backyard is fenced and secluded. So one day last week after showering, I blithely stepped into the bedroom and locked gazes with the pool guy who was skimming sycamore leaves from my spa.

Me: “WHAAAA!!!????”

He: “WHAAAA!!!????”

I sprinted into the closet and hid behind my favorite 1980s cardigan sweater, wondering why he was there so early and when exactly shoulder pads had gone out of style. After a moment of quiet reflection, I thought, Wait a minute. Why is he screaming? Maybe I’m not as svelte as I was in my 20s, but seeing me in the buff won’t exactly trigger post traumatic stress syndrome.

Then a friend sent me the following article. Talk about embarrassing. We'll let our Florida experts tell us if this is real or a hoax.



Get out of the Car!

(This is supposedly a true account recorded in the Police Log of Sarasota, Florida.)

An elderly Florida lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle.

She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at the top of her lungs, “I have a gun, and I know how to use it! Get out of the car!”

The four men didn’t wait for a second threat. They got out and ran like mad.

The lady, somewhat shaken, then proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and got into the driver’s seat. She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition.

She tried and tried, and then she realized why. It was for the same reason she had wondered why there was a football, a Frisbee and two 12-packs of beer in the front seat.

A few minutes later, she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down.

She loaded her bags into the car and drove to the police station to report her mistake. The sergeant to whom she told the story couldn’t stop laughing. He pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale men were reporting a car jacking by a mad, elderly woman described as white, less than five feet tall, glasses, curly white hair, and carrying a large handgun. No charges were filed.

Moral of the story? If you’re going to have a senior moment…make it memorable.


"Oops."

Senior or not, got any embarrassing moments to share? What about weird Florida stories?

Happy Monday!

15 comments:

  1. ...And the next day, seven "pool guys" were skimming sycamore leaves from your spa. Yes?

    ...Ah yes, guns in Florida, as ubiquitous as mosquitoes. That's a GREAT story. I'll bet Jim Born has a few of his own.

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  2. Patty, come on, see it his way - you COULD have had a gun close at hand! He was just worried that, somewhere in there, your hubby would come out a crack him on the jaw!

    Loved this post, great way to start the week - with a bit of a chortle!

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  3. patty smiley1/28/2008 7:50 AM

    I love the way you Florida folks make fun of your beloved state.

    "A bit of a chortle!" YES! I live to make people chortle.

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  4. I finished grocery shopping a couple of weeks ago, paid at the check out counter and raced home to watch Keith Olbermann -- leaving all the groceries still sitting there, all bagged up and in the cart.

    But that's not a senior moment. That's a writer during launch week.

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  5. patty smiley1/28/2008 9:56 AM

    Louise, the grocery store episode deserves special dispensation from the Launch Week Counsil. Hope you're having fun and selling lots of books.

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  6. I think possibly my most embarrassing moment ever was the time my husband had left a large blue plastic tarp wadded up in the driveway. I still had my Porsche, and when I parked the car, I didn't realize that the tarp was touching the hot exhaust pipe.

    The next time I drove down the hills of Berkeley, I heard this odd swishing noise. It wasn't until I'd gone about thirty blocks down toward the bay that a pedestrian knocked on my window at a stoplight and pointed out that I was dragging the tarp.

    My sister said it was the automotive equivalent of having toilet paper stuck to my shoe.

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  7. Uh, let me start out by explaining that I am a pool maintenance engineer. I'm sure your readers, be they Floridians or Californians know the deal about the "pool guy," you ALL own and spas and pools. Anyway, there is the unwritten understanding that "pool guys" are supposed to service more than just your pool.....especially if you're a lonely divorcee or trophy wife of some big shot who doesn't really pay attention to you [you know what I mean]. But we like a little mystery or romance....don't just come right out and flash us first thing.....Geeeezzzz.......we're already under enough pressure as it is! So next time, just FIRST slip into that cardigan sweater and come out "spaside" with a Mojito or something and things can go from there, OK.
    If that wasn't your objective come to the pool in houserobe your granny would wear..... while smoking a cigarette and complaining about your bunions and bursitis, yell about how we missed a spot and how your paying "good money" for this to be spic and span..........

    The Pool Boy

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  9. So, was the embarassing moment being seen by the pool boy--or realizing that you still have an eighties cardigan with shoulder pads? :-)

    Look at it this way. Obviously you have employed a gay pool guy. The poor guy was just scared of what his significant other was going to say.

    Er--do you know if the company is hiring?

    I could mention the time in college that I delivered a pizza to a regular weekly customer a little earlier than usual--and the poor lady ran from the shower, dripping wet. But that wasn't embarassing to me. I just had to attempt to politely avert my eyes--albeit without complete success. At least she ordered again the next week.

    My own most embarassing moment? One would be years ago when I explained to a former high school classmate why I hadn't enrolled at her college--because their engineering college (my first major) wasn't very good. So when I asked what she was majoring in, of course she replied "engineering". Add in the fact that she was quite an attractive woman, and went on to a Master's at Stanford, and we have a major foot in mouth episode.

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  10. Well, there was the time my mother bought me a breathtaking strapless bra to go with a formal. No, really--I could not take a breath in it. Having decided to forgo the thing, I undid it and threw it over my shoulder, only to have it hook onto the lace at the back of the dress. And that is how I made my appearance into our living room, where my date and a few friends were waiting for me.

    Toilet paper, plastic tarps, strapless bras. What a drag.

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  11. I like both your story and the lady from Sarasota.

    Paul is correct, I've heard many embarassing stories. If anyone has ever attended one of my book talks they'd know I have a few that happened to me. I like embarassing stories.

    I may not be a senior but I've tried to get into the wrong car a couple of times.

    Luckily I never had to use a gun.

    Jim

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  12. Loved the little old lady story, true or not. I do think that there is a distinction between senior moment and doing something embarrassing. As a teenager, I ran through a blinding rainstorm and jumped into the car and turned to my mom and said. "Let's go." Of course it wasn't my mom. I got out of the car so fast, I'm sure that poor woman had no idea what really happened.

    My best senior moment was last year. We had just been given swipe cards to enter the school. I went to do some work on the weekend, but was bringing a load of stuff to haul into my classroom. I went into my room turned on the lights and the computer. Left my purse, briefcase, laptop, in the room and went out to the car. As I heard the door click behind me, I thought ,"Oh shit!" because I had just locked myself out of the school building. Fortunately I had my car keys in my hand so I was able to drive home. I had to call about 10 people before I could find someone at home that I could borrow a swipe card from. It didn't help that it was Labor Day weekend and everyone else was out having fun.

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  13. patty smiley1/28/2008 2:40 PM

    Really really funny stories. I'm chortling coffee through my nose. Thanks for the laughs!

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  14. I have two good embarrassing stories.
    The first happened when I was a receptionist at a printing company. They had just hired a new salesman. He received frequent phone calls from a very nice woman who I assumed was his wife since I knew he was married. She sent him a marvelous bouquet of flowers on his first day at work and she called often. She was always very nice and made it a point to always ask how I was doing. At the time I was pretty young and thought how I'd love to have a marriage like that some day (lots of laughing and 'I love you's'). Then one day a woman called asking for the salesman and said she was his wife. It was pretty busy and I didn't pay attention to the voice and said hello calling her by name. The woman screamed at me and told me that wasn't her name and slammed the phone down. The next morning I came into work to find our new salesman looking pretty rumpled since he'd slept in the office all night. He was having an affair and I provided his wife with the ammunition she needed.

    My other moment came when I was a brand new mother. Right after my daughter was born there was a major heat wave. I spent those first weeks in a fog of nursing and sleeping when I could. My neighbors boyfriend knocked on the door one afternoon returning a hammer he borrowed. When I opened the door he immediately turned his face to the ceiling. And stood there chatting with him, while he offered me monosyllabic responses and then hurried away. When I shut the door I turned to my mother, who was visiting, and remarked how weird he was being. She then pointed to my chest and I looked down to see that my shirt was completely open, with my breasts dripping milk.

    Talk about embarrassing.

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  15. patty smiley1/29/2008 5:43 PM

    Sandra, it think there's a book in at least one of the stories.

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