Tuesday, December 11, 2007

Paul Tackles Religion: "Oy to the World..."

Holiday greetings from your pal, Paul

Stop the presses: MITT ROMNEY BELIEVES IN GOD!

Not only that, he respects ALL religions, blowing kisses at:
"[T]he profound ceremony of the Catholic Mass, the approachability of God in the prayers of the evangelicals, the tenderness of spirit among the Pentecostals, the confident independence of the Lutherans, the ancient traditions of the Jews, unchanged through the ages, and the commitment to frequent prayer of the Muslims."
Forgive me my trespasses, but what a mouthful of pandering claptrap.

Do you think Mitt was sitting at the breakfast table with his wife and suddenly blurted out, "Ann, I was just thinking about the confident independence of the Lutherans?"

Or do you think some speechwriter flak said, "How can we smooch the most butts?"
On a personal level, however, thanks for the appreciation of Jewish traditions. What's your favorite, Mitt? The weirdly paganistic circumcision rite known as a bris, or Bar Mitzvahs costing six figures and headlining the Beach Boys?"
ROMNEY CLAIMS MORMONS DON'T EAT CHILDREN

Frankly, I don't care if Romney believes that an angel directed a teenager named Joe Smith in upstate New York to a set of golden tablets containing the true words of God, including the admonition to marry often, Joe himself taking a couple dozen wives, two of whom were apparently fourteen years old on their wedding night.

Oh? He does? Really?

...BUT GOD SUPPORTS MIKE HUCKABEE!

This must be true because it comes from the Liberty University website:

When Liberty University Chancellor Jerry Falwell Jr. introduced Republican presidential candidate Gov. Mike Huckabee at Wednesday’s convocation, he said Huckabee told university leaders during a visit here last year that “if this candidacy really took off it would have to be a God thing.”

It seems God has done his thing.

The junior Falwell was referring to Huckabee's surge in the Iowa polls. Apparently, God was so busy passing out I-Love-Huck buttons in the heartland, He (or She) fouled up and let that 7.9 earthquake hit Peru.

Hold your fire! Is this the same God who voted for George W. Bush -- several times in Ohio in 2004?

The Huck surge is coming from evangelicals, a group not known for its sense of humor. I mean, when's the last time you saw an evanglical wearing a t-shirt that said: "What Would Scooby Do?" Some believe that the Church of Jesus Christ of the Latter Day Saints is a "cult." Excuse me, but aren't all religions?
Thanks to The Los Angeles Times, we just learned that Huckabee believes in freeing rapists and putting AIDS patients in prison. Okay, so I exaggerate. But, here's what's true. As Arkansas Governor, Huckabee twisted the arms of the Parole Board to free a convicted, violent rapist because the man had accepted Jesus and been saved while in prison. The rapist was released, and before you could say "Norman Mailer and Jack Henry Abbott," the man killed two women. Whoops. Back in 1992, as a candidate for the Senate, Huckabee opposed increasing federal funds for an AIDS cure and endorsed a plan to "isolate" AIDS patients.

THIS NAKED SCRIVENER'S FAVORITE RELIGIOUS INJUNCTION

Chapter 24, Verse 2 of the Koran gently admonishes:

"The woman and the man guilty of adultery or fornication, flog each of them with 100 stripes: Let no compassion move you in their case, in a matter prescribed by Allah, if you believe in Allah and the Last Day."

Wait! My wife, Renee, has just interrupted this BLOG. Background info. Renee is a graduate of Archbishop Curley High School in Miami. (Or, as some wags call it, "Archbishop Larry, Moe & Curley High School." Hence, Renee has a religious upbringing. She is also an alum of the University of Florida, where the religion is football.

Actual Renee/Paul dialogue of two minutes ago:

"Don't write about religion. You'll make people angry."

"That's my job."

"When are you going to get over the Spanish Inquisition?"

"When you get over the Crucifixion."

WE RETURN YOU NOW TO THE BLOG, where we will follow Renee's advice and move on.
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PAL PENS THRILLER

My Miami pal, former TV Anchorgal Jennifer Valoppi, has just published her first novel.
It's "Certain Cure," an end-days thriller that bridges the gap between science and religion – where Judeo-Christian prophecies intersect with modern physics and nanotechnology. Yes, religion again!

You can read an excerpt here, and order a signed copy here.
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THIS MAKES ME FEEL OLD...
Caroline Kennedy, daughter of JFK, turned 50 last month. Hitting the Big Five-Oh 50 in 2008: Prince. How can this be? To steal the lyrics from Tevye: I don't remember growing older. When did they?

At the other end of the spectrum, Diablo Cody, screenwriter of the lavishly praised new comedy, “Juno,” is 29, sports tattoos, swears she mutters “cock ring” in her sleep, refers to herself as the “prodigal C_ _ T” (Renee will not let me type the word), and says the first movie she saw in a theater was “E.T.”

Diablo's blog is entitled "The Pussy Ranch" and is worth a visit. [I have it on good authority that Romney and Huckabee surf Pussy Watch daily]. And yes, she's the author of "Candy Girl," an account of the year she spent working as a stripper in Minneapolis.

With joy to all and malice to none, except a few people I'd like to "flog with 100 stripes,"

Paul

12 comments:

  1. patty smiley12/11/2007 8:52 AM

    As usual, a thought-provoking and hilarious post. Love the panda cartoon. And I'm glad to see that Renee is keeping you in line...or at least trying to :o)

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  2. I agree that Mitt's pitch was like an acceptance speech at the Academy awards..."I'd like to thank everyone I have ever known or will know in the future, also, everyone who has ever seen or heard of me, every living being on the planet, and a special shout out to Allah,and his loyal servant Muhhamed, for helping me win this award."

    You "tackled" religion but failed to wrap up...... Jo Pa'd say: "Keep your head up at all times,run through the ball carrier, wrapping your arms around his waist, and drive him to the ground."
    It'd be nice too if you offer a hand to help your opponent up. This shows good sportsmanship and preserves the spirit of the game.

    Paul,your job is to make people angry? Really? How's that working out? How does that effect your other job .....increased book sales, or no? How do you measure your success?



    Best wishes in meting out those 100 stripe floggings....and a Happy New Year!

    Query:If we visit this blog or contribute to it religiously, does that make it a cult?

    Jon


    9:41 AM

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  3. Jon,
    I'm doing the best I can to kill all book sales.

    Somewhere in a box is a letter from Joe Paterno dated 1971, with the command: "Keep your goals set high."

    So, I aim for the stars, and like Werner Von Braun, sometimes I hit London.

    For your viewing pleasure, Joe's 10 minute Hall of Fame acceptance speech on You Tube. Like Fidel Castro (who was born the same year), he speaks without notes. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6vhw_4SLDF0

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  4. Paul, we all know, that deep down, you're a giver. And despite the religious roots of this adage, you truly believe "it is better to give than to recieve." That being said, I see that you're picking the Lions and giving the points.Let's hope that PSU will be able to consistantly execute the proper form of tackling.......otherwise, it'll be Remember the Alamo (and I don't mean Party like it's 1999)......all jest aside , A & M has "home field" and a reason to play, "Franchione's Honour." I think it can be a good game, if the team that just beat Texas and the team that handled Wisconsin both show up and play each other, it could be a really good game to watch.

    Thanks for the Jo Pa link.

    Jon

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  5. James O. Born12/11/2007 11:00 AM

    Wow, good rant, Paul.

    I like Huckabee;s sense of humor. That doesn't mean he gets my vote but he makes me laugh.

    His immigration commercial where he says, "I have the answer to secure borders in two words: Chuck Norris." then the camera pans back and Norris is sitting next to him.

    Years ago, when he weighed 300+ pounds he told an interviewer he had been diagnosed with Anorexia but it had been caught in the very early stages.

    That's funny.

    Jim

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  6. Before we go any further, could you please define "fornicate." I may have committed this sin. (Repeatedly, and without asking for forgiveness... usually).

    Hmmm,

    I was thinking that Romney (Can we actually elect someone whose first name is Mitt?) missed a few religions. Where are the Wickens? What's he like about them? The incense? The goth chicks? (Romney's appreciation: "Goth chicks are hot, man!") What about pagans (They do well on Arbor Day and they're great environmentalists :)), and for God sakes! have you see all those screwy people that worship Steve Jobs and Bill Gates! And have you ever been to a Star Trek Convention? I mean, really, I just love this country!!!!!!!

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  7. Oh, Lord, Paul, you missed the Buddhists! Or perhaps it was a deliberate omission because it's not a Jesus-related religion. Thanks for tackling religion though, because I am sure getting fed up with how people USE it. My dad always said that you'd find more people with "Christian" values outside a church than you would ever find inside it. Mind you, factor in that I come from a country where church-going was never big on the agenda (even when the gung-ho-with-money Victorians were building loads of churches), and that those grandiose buildings are there mainly for the hatch-match-dispatch work, so to speak.

    Great post - thanks for sticking your neck out. We might have to ramp up pleas for donations to the Naked Authors Retirement and Benevolent Fund (NARBF) though.

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  8. patty smiley12/11/2007 3:32 PM

    Our J, you are brilliant at inventing Naked Author institutions. First you gave us Naked Authors Order of the Rough Night Well Endured (NAORNWE)and now NARBF. Awesome.

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  9. We could also sponsor the Naked Authors Religious Nutcase Institutionalization Act. That would be NARNIA.

    GREAT post!!

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  10. Somehow there needs to be a BARF organization for you all--

    My fave Mitt line was this summer in NH when he answered why none of his 5 strapping sons were serving in the military - "they are serving their country working to get me elected because I'll be a great President" (that and making zillions as Real Estate developers in places like war-torn La Jolla....

    mbh

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  11. I'm gonna keep my mouth shut for a while...except about football.

    Jon, you go with Joe Paterno in bowl games. In theory, bowl games are played between equals, so a .500 record is deemed okay. Ask Lloyd Carr (5-6) or Bo Schembechler (5-12). Okay, so you really can't ask Bo. Bear Bryant was 12-10-2.

    Joe is 22-10-1.

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  12. Paul, you're 100% right; Jo Pa Has the numbers and the numbers don't lie. Still, all in all, they DO have to play the game. As I said, I hope it'll be a GOOD game, no matter who wins by.....say.....5 and 1/2 points.

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