Wednesday, November 21, 2007

Cornelia's Naked Guide to Holiday Shopping

By Cornelia

It's that time of year again. The turkey's not even in the oven yet, but they're starting to play sappy nativity/dreidel Muzak in the mall, and the Harry and David fruit-fest catalogs are starting to choke every mailbox in town.

Don't get caught short! Promise yourself that THIS YEAR, things are going to be different! No more hasty last-minute cover-your-butt "Cheez-Whiz-of-the-Month" subscriptions for the inlaws, nary a stale dollar-store assortment of noxious day-glo bath salts for your near and dear!

We Nakeds are here, holiday-shopping rapiers drawn and gleaming, ready to rescue even the longest gift list from the tell-tale reek of eggnog ennui! (click on prices for ordering info).

Feast your eyes on the following, sure to please even the most jaded recipient.

Get Your Mojo Workin'


Hoodoo Mojo Bags containing various herbs and charms, dressed with "lucky" oils. Order the Memphis-style "Nation Sack" for women, the "Blues Boy Special" for items specifically mentioned in traditional lyrics, and many more. The deluxe "Three Johns Master Hand Jack Ball" is personalized with your name (send sample of hair when ordering).

$20-$60.

Tree Hugger
Flat porcelain ornament. Comes with red ribbon for hanging.

$8.00




If You Only Buy Your Writer Friends One Book This Year...


...Make it Ariel Gore's
It's chock-full of all "the secrets they'll never teach you in fancy MFA programs," including:
  • "It is a great paradox and a great injustice that writers write because we fear death and want to leave something indestructible in our wake and, at the same time, are drawn to all the things that kill: whiskey and cigarettes, unprotected sex and deep-fried burritos... choose your vice wisely."
  • "You rip an intern a new asshole and not only does she turn around and tell her boss what a jerk you are, but you bungle a sale that would have taken place five years down the road. Editors remember when they were interns."
  • "Because capitalism knows no bounds, you can actually upload the text of a rejection letter you get from a publisher and, for ninety dollars, Lulu.com will print it on four rolls of toilet paper for your wiping needs."
  • "You are totally entitled to your mental breakdowns. But when you get into that bookstore or cafe or bowling alley for your reading, I want you to look everyone in the eye who showed up and assume that they drove two hundred miles through a blizzard to come out and support you. You'd be surprised how many of them actually did."
$13.95. Buy two, they're small. Plus, Ariel is a goddamn genius.

Road Trip!

Beautifully restored vintage 1947 Westwood "Tahoe" trailer. Gut reno with all the mod cons--make your next book tour in style!





$45,000 OBO You know you want it.

We Wish You a Cheney Christmas



To hell with all that peace-on-earth and good-will-towards-men crap. Shotgun shell tree lights, string of 20.

$19.99

Cash Machine

Original 45 of Johnny Cash's "I Walk The Line" from the vaults of Sun Records.

$60.00

Never Mind the Lunchbocks


Ham-and-cheese in the UK. We mean it, man.

$19.99

Drink Up!



Yummy Latke, Apple Sauce, Chocolate Gelt and Jelly Doughnut flavors. (Trust me, you do NOT want to know about the Gefilte version in the Pesach collection).

$12.99 for the gift pack.

The Gift of Gotcha!

"The Party's Over" gift wrap is a must for all those in favor of impeachment.



Features "festive facsimiles from Jack Abramoff's American Express expense records and emails; indictments of reporter Judith Miller, Vice President chief of staff Scooter Libby, email correspondence from Michael 'Brownie' Brown, checks from Jeffrey Skilling and Ken Lay and many others."

Printed on silver and gold foil paper. Each roll contains 2 sheets measuring 25 x 20 inches. Volume discount available.

$7. Includes shipping and handling.

Not a Creature Was Stirring...


Best. Xmas Card. Ever.

$26.99. Box of 20 (no greeting inside).

Come to the Duck Side

Nothing says "You are the wind beneath my wings" like light-up evil Star Wars rubber duckies.


£6.95 each, available in Duck Vader or Storm Duck models.


Elvis Pezley


You'll have a blue Christmas without him. Three-pack of the King comes in commemorative gift tin with a three-track CD.

$19.90

Steampunk, Baby...


If they'd had laptops on the Titanic, they might have looked like this. "Steampunk" artists make high-tech gadgets out of magnificently anachronistic parts. The following is the work of "Datamancer":




Price on request, custom orders available.


Mama in her Kerchief, and I in my Cap...

Why should Rudolph have all the fun?

$3.95. Three-pack.


Maximum Dreidel

A set of 12 Israeli Defense Force dreidels, with a Merkava tank display rack. This is what my huband will be getting for Christmas, probably. He's a Methodist. Go figure.

He has been asking for the camouflage IDF kippot, but I draw the line at outfitting a giant blond goy with a military yarmulke. Especially in Berkeley.


Includes paratroopers, Golani, Air Force, Border Police, Sayeret Matkal, and many more!

$55.00


Let Them Eat Lollipops


Marie Antoinette's head on a stick. It doesn't get more noir than THAT, my friend.

Box of 24, $27.95


And Maybe A Subscription to This...

For the GOP crowd.



$14.95 for six issues. What a bargain.



Take That, Margaret Atwood!

In the market for a truly distinctive way to commemorate your next book-signing event? Look no further! Eyeball pens, two per order...



Best T-Shirt Since "Cher Quevara"

Words fail me.






Cowboys...


Rancho Loco "Crossbones" cowboy boots ( "large skull inlays, leather lacing and ornamental bone inlays").

Be the best-shod author EVER in the history of the Edgars banquet, this year.

$700. Various colors.

...And Indians


Thank You, Masked Man: reproductions of early Navajo chief blankets, in luxurious 12-ply cashmere and cotton quilts edged in suede. Newly available rendered on silk scarves, and as cashmere serapes.


Quilts $385, Cashmere Blanket $2600, Scarves $70. More info and designs at High Desert Concepts.


Joyeux Noir


First edition of Thompson's signature paperback-original title, in "very good +" condition.

$950.00


That's Gotta Hurt!



Nothing says "mystery writer" like crime-scene-tape bandages for those paper cuts.

Box of 25, $4.95


Tiki-Tacky Blouses


Vintage Shriner's tiki aloha shirt, size small. All-cotton bark cloth.


Love, Actually


Anatomically correct gummi heart. Sure to win over your sweet thang.



$4.95



You're Welcome... really.

Greet guests in style with this snappy doormat! They won't know whether they're coming or going...
$25.00, available in black-and-white or yellow imprint.

Book 'Em


Turn your blog into a book. Just download free software from blurb.com, and you can automatically import and map blog text, images, comments, and links into professionally designed page layouts--then edit and customize to your heart's content. Works on Macs and PCs, and is compatible with a host of platforms, including Blogger, LiveJournal.com, TypePad, and WordPress.com.

Professional binding and four-color printing on coated, semi-matte paper. Prices start at $12.95 for a 40-page softcover and $22.95 for a 40-page hardcover with dust jacket--maximum size 440 pages. Delivery in 7-10 business days.

Go Speed Racer!




The Porsche 911 GT3 RS sports a 3.6L engine that generates a whopping 415 bhp @ 7600rpm, boosting it from 0-60 in just 4.2 seconds. Despite its specialized body, the “RS” is 20 kg lighter than the GT3, weighing in at just 1375 kg.

As Rae would say, "the long skinny one makes it go." Cha!




All I Want For Christmas

The last word. Maybe my mom will buy me this.



$90 plus $5 shipping and handling. Limited edition of 50.

26 comments:

  1. I am totally printing this out and giving it to my wife, my parents and my in-laws.

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  2. Thanks, Cornelia! Ordered the wrapping paper.

    These knives are on my list this year:

    http://tinyurl.com/2rcp5u

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  3. This is like the greatest gift ideas list ever. And I want everyone of them myself.

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  4. Re: Ariel Gore's book.

    "Writers...are drawn to all the things that kill: whiskey and cigarettes, unprotected sex and deep-fried burritos..."

    Whoa there! Jim Born says he absolutely is not drawn to deep-fried burritos.

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  5. Cornelia, I knew there was a reason I had to read this blog today......as always, a great list of "must have" gifts.

    Jon

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  6. I soooo want Marie Antoinette's head on a stick.

    Thanks for the chuckles, and the great giftie ideas, Miss C.....

    ;-)

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  7. Thank you, Ms. C.

    You just took care of all my shopping needs.

    And I got the shotgun shell lights for myself.

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  8. So glad you guys like it! It was great fun to put it together--spurred by my sister Freya showing me the website with that final snowglobe.

    I waaaaaaaaaant it!

    Maybe we should have a Naked Authors book, guys? You can design it and then leave it up on the blurb.com website for anyone who wants to buy a copy. Could be fun.

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  9. Twist, LOVE those knives! Rae has a set, I believe. A must-buy!

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  10. patty smiley11/21/2007 9:29 AM

    The cowboy boots...I must have the cowboy boots...I really mean it.

    LOVED the list, Miss C.

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  11. Brilliant Miss. C.!

    I have put the Ariel Gore book and the evil StarWars duckies on the must-buy list for friends so far. Might go back and peruse again for some others. All of the anti-bush is a must by for my hubby. :-D

    Cheers
    Marianne

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  12. Marianne, Ariel and her mom and sister lived with us for a few months when we were little. She was wonderful at age two, and is a fabulous writer as a grownup. I just finished reading the book yesterday, and adored it from start to finish, as I do all her books.

    Patty, I want those boots to. We'll have to get them in different colors and then go as twins to the next Bcon.

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  13. Good Lord, you have WAAAAAY too much time or your hands or you have been driven into catalog hell by the mailman! I suspect it's the latter. What a great post, and where did you find this stuff? It's amazing. Thank you so much for bringing home to us the true silliness of the silliest season - even more ways to spend my hard-earned money!

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  14. okay i dunno HOW the band is going to do it but we HAVE to have that trailer. $45,000 - we can do that. I mean how can Sad Anoraks tour in anything else?

    And here I thought I had enough tee shirts. And there you go, making me have to get another one. Oh darn. Well, I don't have a LOT of red ones.

    The wrapping paper is horrific, and we may have to get some of that too.

    And i dunno, but latke soda without sour cream soda? applesauce is oKAY but sour cream RULES.

    And as for Pesach, i am NOT buying until i see horseradish soda for the gefilte fish soda. What kind of joint is this?

    There's stil some turkey & gravy soda available in limited quantities for youse folks. Check the website!

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  15. PS: I bought the book and I think I have to have those Christmas cards, to say nothing of the boots and the crime scene doormat ....

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  16. Andi, I'm holding out for charoset soda. How great would THAT be? And I think we should buy four t-shirts to wear in the trailer on our tour. Do you think we could pull it with the Porsche?

    Our J, so happy you bought the book! She has wonderful interviews in it with all kinds of writerly folk (Ursula Leguin, Michele Tea, &c, &c). Great food for thought throughout. I plan to quote her (and them) extensively at the earliest possible opportunity.

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  17. James O. Born11/21/2007 2:53 PM

    Classic, as usual.

    I like Gore's book. Hope someone gets it for me.

    Paul, I love fired burritos. They're called Chimichangas


    Jim

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  18. In the old days--at least in my middle school cafeteria here on the Best Coast--we just called them burritos. The deep-fried part was a given.

    Sadly, we couldn't order then order sides of whiskey, cigarettes, and/or unsafe sex. The milkshakes were awesome though.

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  19. Rae? If you buy the "marie Antoniette action figure" her head goes BOING! That's right, she is equpped with a special "ejector head".
    http://www.mcphee.com/items/11563.html

    C - is it scary that I think charoset soda would be delicious? They're local - maybe I need to send in a suggestion.

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  20. An ejector head is even better than "shushing action" on the librarian figure.

    And we'll split a charoset soda next time I see you, Andi. Even if we have to make it ourselves.

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  21. Andi, thank you. I am very happy about M.A. and her soaring head....

    ;-)

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  23. Elvis Pezley! Oh, Cornelia, never was LOL more appropriate! I want everything, especially the Evolucion T-shirt for my husband. Not to mention skull-and-crossbones boots for me. This is so, so great. Gobble gobble to one and all and let's get started tomorrow! Hannukah is early this year--Dec. 4. Let the great potlatch begin!

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  24. Thanks Cornelia! The only thing I see missing on your list is the 2008 Naked Author's Calendar--with six of you now, that's only two months apiece!

    Just think "Rylstone Women's Institute", but with your favorite books instead of sunflowers!

    I am shocked, shocked, I tell you, that your resident MBA hasn't come up with this... :-)

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  25. As always C, you are the bomb!
    Here is my humble suggestion for any of you who don't already have a personal dialogue with Jesus-- The Ask Jesus Magic 8-Ball --
    http://www.prankplace.com/jesus.htm

    much admiration and wishes for happiest hols to you all! mbh

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  26. Wow! I love the laptop.

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