Tuesday, October 30, 2007

Books They Should Have Read

By Cornelia

In honor of Halloween,

I'd like to list a few "guess it's too late now" titles that the dearly departed might have benefitted from, if only they'd read them in time.

If only Jean Harris

had switched to

If only Lizzie Borden

had taken up

If only Jimmy Hoffa

had understood the principles of

If only Lady MacBeth

had studied up on

If only Anna Nicole Smith

could have found within herself:

If only the Duke and Duchess of Windsor

had discovered the joys of

If only Richard Nixon

had learned the basics of

If only Orson Welles

had learned

If only Napoleon Bonaparte

had consulted

If only Jonbenet Ramsay

had been old enough to tackle

If only Amelia Earhart

had packed

If only Marie Antoinette

had perused

And if only Jerry Falwell

had been given a copy of

READING: The Life You Save
Could Be Your Own!


  1. Absolutely brilliant and hilarious. Why am I not surprised?

  2. Patty, you are the sweetest ever, and I'm glad you liked it!

  3. Orson Wells and Richard Nixon would have benefitted from your guidance.


  4. Cornelia,
    You own Halloween. If I were blurbing your post, I'd say:

    "Totally sick!"

    "The greatest post in the history of blogging, and that's an understatement!"

    "I laughed. I cried. I peed my pants!"

    "Funnier than the Dead Sea Scrolls!"

  5. Aw, you guys! And I'm so flattered by the comparison to the Dead Sea Scrolls, which I consider a regular laugh riot.

  6. Karen Carpenter: "The Fanny Farmer Cookbook"
    John Denver: "Fear of Flying"
    Lana Clarkson: "He's Just Not That Into You"
    Kurt Cobain: "Listening to Prozac"

    I'm going to Hell, aren't I?

  7. I like Daisy's reading assignments, too.

    As for "He's Just Not That Into You"...

    That could also apply to the female witness at the trial who testified that Phil Spector tried to rape her...but was not up to the task.

  8. Daisy, THANK YOU! You totally crack me up, and I'm glad I'm not going to hell alone in this little handbasket.

  9. Rockin' post, Miss C!

  10. Very funny, my dear. And just the laugh I needed.

  11. Rae, I hope your week is rapidly de-wackifying.

    David, you are MY hero--and I'm deeply disturbed by the photo of that Iran-o-phobic hussy Debra Cagan on your blog. Is she trying to dress as the Red Baron for Halloween? I'd say she was going for "Fonzie Comes out of the Closet," only it looks like she's got the Blue Max around her neck.

    Louise, no laughing allowed. I'm concerned about your stitches. Good luck tomorrow!!

  12. Cornelia, you are very very funny!

  13. Brilliant! Hilarious! I hereby nominate you for the Eddie (best humorous blog post by a crime writer).

  14. Brilliant! Hilarious! I hereby nominate you for the Eddie (best humorous blog post by a crime writer).

  15. Cornelia,

    That picture of Ms. Cagan was taken in Hungary where she worked before becoming a bottom to Gates' top. That's a Commander's Cross Order of Merit she's sporting, a medal she received for Jew-Taunting.

    So, while it looks like she's dressed for a costume ball, it is instead what Ms. Cagan thinks of as formal wear.

    Perhaps in Humngary it is. We should ask our friend, Mr. Steinhauer.

  16. It's not often you see so many of our favorite cartoon characters in one post.

    Concrete fatigue is a real problem. Jimmy Hoffa has great seats at the Meadowlands.

  17. these are all hilarious but especially Lady MacBeth and the queen of clean.