Tuesday, August 21, 2007

"Call Me Fish Meal"

By Paul Levine

Let's s talk lit-er-chur.

A line I wish I’d written...

“There are no one hundred percent heroes.”--Opening Line of Cinnamon Skin by John D. MacDonald

A line I’m glad I didn’t write...

"I'll never know what the fuck I did to trip their little triggers, but these rice eaters jumped on me quicker than Monica Lewinsky swallows."--The Reaper's Line: Life and Death on the Mexican Border, by Lee Morgan II. (Describing his arrest of illegal Chinese immigrants)

A line I would have screwed up, as follows...

“It was the best of times. On the other hand, it wasn’t so great."

A line I didn’t have the cojones to write...

“Call me Fish Meal.”

(My first draft opening line of “Trial & Error,” where little Bobby Solomon talks to dolphins and believes they speak to him.)

A Title the Publisher Rejected...

Habeas Porpoise, the proposed title of
Trial & Error.

The Greatest Title in the History of Publishing...

Thinner Thighs in Thirty Days
(A massive bestseller published several years ago).

Advice to Young Playwrights, Novelists and Screenwriters.

Don’t write speeches...unless you’re Aaron Sorkin and Jack Nicholson has agreed to play the part.

"Son, we live in a world that has walls, and those walls have to be guarded by men with guns. Whose gonna do it? You? You, Lt. Weinburg? I have a greater responsibility than you could possibly fathom. You weep for Santiago, and you curse the marines. You have that luxury. You have the luxury of not knowing what I know. That Santiago's death, while tragic, probably saved lives. And my existence, while grotesque and incomprehensible to you, saves lives. You don't want the truth because deep down in places you don't talk about at parties, you want me on that wall, you need me on that wall. We use words like honor, code, loyalty. We use these words as the backbone of a life spent defending something. You use them as a punchline. I have neither the time nor the inclination to explain myself to a man who rises and sleeps under the blanket of the very freedom that I provide, and then questions the manner in which I provide it. I would rather you just said thank you, and went on your way, Otherwise, I suggest you pick up a weapon, and stand a post. Either way, I don't give a damn what you think you are entitled to."

Okay, so much for lit-er-chur. Let’s get to the news of the week, which is chock full of LIES, SEX & PURPLE HEARTS


Like the five Romney sons, clean-cut and apple-cheeked Republican Henry Hager has no plans to join the Army and head off to Iraq. Unlike the Romney boys, Hager is betrothed to Jenna Bush. This bright and ambitious lad, who once served as an intern to Karl (Attila the Hun) Rove), is finishing up his M.B.A. at the University of Virginia

Meanwhile, British bookmakers are preparing to set odds on whether Ms. Bush is preggers. According to numerous Internet scandal rags, she's been plumping up, lately. When I learn the china pattern she's registered at Pottery Barn, I'll pass it on.

Meanwhile, Hager's former boss, Karl (Bush's Brain) Rove is quitting his post as Deputy Devil Incarnate in the Administration. What can I say? Maybe this?


Can we simply agree that Attorney General Albert Gonzalez is a lying swine? A pencil-pushing, boot-licking, butt-kissing, yes-man for President Bush.

Remember the infamous hospital visit to the bedside of hospitalized John Ashcroft, when Gonzalez tried to wheedle Ashcroft's approval for warrantless wiretapping. Gonzalez testified, under oath, that Ashcroft was "lucid" and "did most of the talking."

Funny, because now we see that FBI Director Robert Mueller took notes saying that Ashcroft was "feeble," "barely articulate" and "stressed."

Aw, what's the use? In a just world, Gonzalez would be in a federal prison, not running the so-called Justice Department.

As the Cat says to Alice: "We're all mad here."

Korean War veteran Nyles Reed, 75, opened an envelope to learn a Purple Heart had been approved for injuries he sustained as a Marine on June 22, 1952.

But there was no medal. Just a certificate and a form stating that the medal was "out of stock."

"I can imagine, of course, with what's going on in Iraq and Afghanistan, there's a big shortage," Reed said. From Daily Kos.

If you wish to send this to any friend, relative, or creditor, simply click the envelope button below.

At ease, Paul


  1. Paul,

    From opening lines to Jenna spawn to a shortage of Purple Hearts. I think you've won the trophy for the most topics shoehorned into a single blog post.

    My hat is off, sir.

  2. Yeah, I agree with David. I want to comment (gee, I think I am), but don't know where to start!

    Okay, just one comment. I think it's just as well you didn't use the "Call me Fish Meal" line. I'm just sayin'...

  3. I love the smell of irony in the morning. Great post, Paulie.

  4. Habeas Porpoise


    Jim Born

  5. With such an eclectic blog this morning, and given the time of year, I'm left to wonder.....What? No PSU football report?


  6. Yes, today's post does seem to spring from a scattered brain. Lacking in thematic content, but a little something for everyone?

    Jon, I thought I'd stay quiet until the Penn State/Notre Dame game on Sept 8, as both teams have major question marks going into the season.

  7. That's a prudent position, especially coming from such a PSU booster....

    You're right both teams have some "problems"," er, questionmarks......QBs making "honest mistakes" vs "aledged" felonious defensemen.

    PSU has a softer tune up opening season game against FIU than ND has with GA Tech....

    PERHAPS the game will be worth your trip.


  8. Yes, Jon. The one thing Irish haters can't whine about is scheduling. Their opening 3 games are Georgia Tech, Penn State, and Michigan. UCLA and Boston College are no pushovers. And, of course, the annual game with U.S.C.

    (Yes, I know Duke, Stanford, and Navy are in there, too. But they're entitled to a few breathers).

    I think Penn State has a defense that can play at the highest level with anybody. The O.L. and the redeivers must show significant improvement to take on Notre Dame, Michigan, Ohio State, and Wisconsin. Florida International....I'm not too worried about.

  9. If Jenna's registered a china pattern at Pottery Barn, I'll dine on my hat.

    Great post, Paulie!!