Tuesday, July 03, 2007

Mature Readers Only. Enter at Your Own Risk.

Online Dating

By Paul Levine

"R," baby. That's what Naked Authors received from a Rating Service, which notes the "Restricted" label stems from the use of the words "porn," "dead," and "kill."

Apparently, readers under 17 should obtain parental approval. (In reality, the kids could probably teach their parents and the Naked Scribblers a few things).


So what about our pals at Lipstick Chronicles? Their name implies a certain raciness, does it not? Lip gloss and tiny thongs and monkey business in the buodoir.

Surely, the Lipsticker Ladies must also have the "R" rating. But NO! They're rated a Disneyesque "G," with the notation: "No bad words were found." Not even the hint of scandal to get a "PG" rating. Perhaps that is not surprising, once you realize that the letters of "Lipstick Chronicles" can be rearranged to spell "Pill Chicks Censor It."
Online Dating

So...Michele Martinez, Harley Jane Kozak, Nancy Martin, Sarah Strohmeyer, & Elaine Viets. I'm calling you out. You're a Big Tease. False Advertising. RICO violations. (Michele, a former federal prosecutor, knows what I'm talking about).

In a blatant attempt to foment bad blood between our blogs, I suggest you either change your name to "Polite Lady Writers" or start talking trash. Whadaya say? Wanna dance?

In author/marital news, Salman Rushdie's fourth wife is divorcing him on grounds that he is even shorter than Mayor Bloomberg. Yes, model-actress-writer-chef Padma Lakshmi will soon be a free woman. In related news, Jim Born has asked a number of Ayatollahs if they could issue a fatwa against him.

Yesterday, Fox News Anchor Martha MacCallum, trying to frame a question about the missile defense system, stated that "Poland and Czechoslovakia, both formerly part of the U.S.S.R...."
MARTHA ("Don't Know Much About Geography") MACCALLUM

Speaking of those rascals at Fox News, there's this from Paul Krugman in The New York Times:

In October 2003, the nonpartisan Program on International Policy Attitudes published a study titled ''Misperceptions, the media and the Iraq war.'' It found that 60 percent of Americans believed at least one of the following: clear evidence had been found of links between Iraq and Al Qaeda; W.M.D. had been found in Iraq; world public opinion favored the U.S. going to war with Iraq.

The prevalence of these misperceptions, however, depended crucially on where people got their news. Only 23 percent of those who got their information mainly from PBS or NPR believed any of these untrue things, but the number was 80 percent among those relying primarily on Fox News. In particular, two-thirds of Fox devotees believed that the U.S. had ''found clear evidence in Iraq that Saddam Hussein was working closely with the Al Qaeda terrorist organization.''


I'll be at "Mysteries to Die For" in Thousand Oaks this Saturday at 1 p.m., flogging "Trial & Error," the fourth of the Solomon & Lord novels. Sharing the podium will be the talented Brett Battles with his debut novel, "The Cleaner."

On Saturday, July 14, our very own Naked Scribbler Patty Smiley will do an 11 a.m. chit-chat and signing at the same store, with her latest Tucker Sinclair adventure, "Short Change." I love Patty's books and can't wait to read this one. For now, my blurb is: "The cover is really, really red."


A much darker cover graces Ridley Pearson's new novel, "Killer Weekend." The thriller, set in Ridley's old haunt of Sun Valley, Idaho, gets a coveted starred review from Booklist, which concludes:

"Pearson is the first American recipient of the Raymond Chandler/Fulbright Fellowship in detective fiction at Oxford University. The late, great creator of Philip Marlowe would be proud--both of the selection itself and of the recipient's latest work."

And this is very cool. Amazon has a video interview with Ridley, conducted by his bandmate, co-author of "Peter and the Starcatchers", and drinking buddy Dave Barry. The interview, which takes place in Dave's backyard, has a relaxed, post-Margarita feel to it. Catch it here.



Finally, I've used this space to talk about the horrendous toll on life and limb the Iraq War has cost our nation. To check on the escalating financial cost of the misguided and bungled war, click on the National Priorities Project website.

Happy Fourth of July,


  1. Paul, I saw this rating system last night. It said we mentioned porn four times and other key words like kill.

    I suggest that we are acceptable to the general public except for your blog about the erotic toy convention you forced Renee to attend with you.

    I would also hesitate to harrass the lovely ladies at the Lipstick chronicles. The scare the crap out of me.

    Also I have guest blogged for them in the past.

    Wow, you covered a lot today. I'm looking forward to Patty's new book. I hope she comes down to Florida.

    Smack Brett for me. I appreciated him coming out to my signing in LA.

    See you in NY next week. Good luck on the Thriller nom.


  2. Obviously the ratings people didn't read TLC on the days that Margie posts!

  3. Paul, darling, last I checked we were NC-17.

    Watch what you're waving in the wind, honey. Margie'll bite it off.

    Just saying.

  4. All it took for A Dark Planet to get kicked from a PG-13 to an R is one post about Dick "Dick" Cheney.

    I think any mention of the VP makes the post unacceptable for children.

  5. R? How cool is that? And as for our friends over at the LC, I seem to remember a post by Sarah in which she gave the lurid details of a certain sex act with her spouse. Perhaps she didn't name the body parts but they were implied. Trust me on this one. They don't call themselves the book tarts for nothin'.

    And thanks for the kind words about the book, Paulie. Today is the official release date. I just bought 3 copies of TRIAL & ERROR, one for me, two to give away as gifts. My copy is sitting next to Born's latest, FIELD OF FIRE, Our J's MESSENGER OF TRUTH, and Cornelia's FIELD OF DARKNESS. It's humbling to be blogging with a group of such talented writers. Oh jeez, I just made myself cry...

  6. Besides the fact that I blogged about this rating thing over at First Offenders yesterday (we got an R), I just can't wrap my head around the fact that Padma from Top Chef is Salman Rushdie's wife. I had no idea. This is totally freaking me out for some reason.

  7. Patty.....no need to feel like you're the deuteragonist on this blog........you have a leading lady's role.....uh, then again,er.. so does our J and Cornelia. Anyway, much success to your new book.....I hear the colour red really increases sales.....I'm sure no one who reads it will feel "short changed."

    Jon "Dear anonymous Jon"

    PS: these comments are provided by a lay person and as such carry no warranty, implied or implicit. Taking said comments to heart is done solely at the risk and discretion of the reader.The reader shall hold this author inviolate for all harm or help which emanates from this post

  8. I haven't been over at Lipstick Chronicles in a while, but the last time I did they had a lengthy (hmmm) post about blowjobs (er, oral sex, fellatio, etc.) which garnered quite a bit of attention on the part of, er, male readers.

    By the way, did you know that Harley Jane Kozak is Colonel Jack O'Neill's ex-wife from Stargate SG-1? It's true! You can go back and watch the re-run and see.

  9. Jon, I once read that restaurants chose red for the decor because it made people want to eat and drink more. Maybe the book's success will be determined by the July sales levels at McDonalds.

    And DEUTERAGONIST????? Only you would have that word at the tip of your typing fingers. The rest of you...go look it up like I did. It's oh-so-perfect.

  10. Hi, it's Maryann from the TLC Blog...and all I want to say is that those who give out the ratings certainly don't understand the power of innuendo...and isn't that more fun? So much more left to the imagination :o)
    Glad I found you all. This looks like a great blog as well!
    Happy Fourth!

  11. Hi.

    It's Me, Margie.

    OK, if you really want people to comment, you can't, like, run on for pages about all kinds of crap and then expect people to wade through it.

    So, even though I have, you know, a million other things to do around here, I have to respond to your totally bogus challenge to me and my Tarts.

    Because I will tell you right now, I don't see any blogs about Vibrators up in this allegedly Naked place, do I? Nope.

    Do I see a blog about Kegel exercises? No. I do not.

    Do I even see a blog about why no one is fucking their brains out in hotels any more? Nada.

    I mean, when we talk about Bondage over at TLC, we're not just talking Connery v Craig, if you get my drift.

    So any time yinz jagoffs want to take it downtown, you just call Me, Margie and we will see who rules.

  12. Patty.....thanks for the complement.....I, being the lowly unpublished writer who has never ventured into publishing and was, at least on one occasion, taken to task for not having a novel to critique, do appreciate your acumen and kind words ----- and your nimbleness with a Funk and Wagner......or is the Oxford?

    Guess I MUST spend tomorrow in my local B & N reading your book.....something about the colour...the car.....draws me to it like the Sirens of Sirenum scopuli....


  13. YOU GO MARGIE !!!

    Tell it like it is.


  14. After Margie's last post I will not only be a more regular reader of TLC but I will pay money to see the authors of these two blogs square off in a cage match.

    Hell, I'll even spring for the band.

  15. Hey you, Margie.

    Glad we smoked you out.

    The way I see it, the Lipstickers are the San Francisco Giants, and you are their Barry Bonds.

    Yep. You're Anais Nin on steroids. But an occasional blowjob dropped in amongst all those dinner parties doesn't cut it...unless it's part of dessert.

    You did not read my post last week about Erotic L.A. You did not know that when stuck with a word to rhyme with Martina Hingis, I came up with cunnilingus.

    But I will say this. If the Lipstickers scare gun-toting Jim Born, I will watch my ass.

  16. Jon, I use the American Heritage Dictionary because...well...it has pictures in it...and they're in color. Some of them are even red.

    Hey, Margie, bring it on! And David, a band? You'd do that? Really? What a guy!

  17. Well, Hel-loh Naked Authors.

    I am definitely going to check back here more often. Anyone who can put Anais Nin and Barry Bonds in the same comment has got to be good. I mean, hell, half the people I know only know one of the two.

    I'm a bit confused though - where are the Naked ones? Will the Naked Authors be in NYC next week? If so, which of you will be naked?

  18. me, margie:

    Paulie and Jim will definitely be in NYC and both of them will be naked; you just need the right room key. More later...

  19. Actually, I'm missing Thrillerfest. I will be in the San Joaquin Valley at the Kings County Fair. I would like to say that I will be calf-roping and bull-riding, but that would be untrue. The purpose of the trip is as confidential as the contents of a Lipstickers' Prada purse.

  20. Oh, God, Paul, don't ask what's in Margie's purse!!

  21. Nancy,
    I would not ask what is in Margie's purse. I will only say, somewhat circuitously that it would not surprise me if she pulled a "rabbit" out of the hat.

  22. Ok, late as usual, here I am reading the post, and the only thing I have to say is ... and not at all funny ... this is what you get for using the word "truth" in the blog - an R-rating. What a laugh, wait 'til I tell my mother I write for an R-rated blog - finally, the daughter she always wanted!!

    And I am so glad you mentioned - because someone had to - the Scooter Libby Get Out Of Jail Free card (heck we know what happened - he told Dick and George that he'd really tell some tales if he had to spend one night in clink. Bet they paid the fine too!).

    Love the comments today - wake everyone up with an R-rating, and a few choice observations on same and everyone wants to join the Naked Authors party. You go, Paulie.

    And big congratulations to Our Patty on official release of your new book - and best to you both for Saturday, that's a great little store in T.O.

  23. Paul, we've come a long way from the rabbit, baby.

    Plus, in all the excitement over the throw-down, I forgot to give you the salute for caling out Scootergate. Who the fuck ever thought we'd ever wish for something Nixonian - ya know, like a resignation or some damn thing. Do NOT get me started.

    Over at TLC, they pretty much muzzle me on the political stuff, but check in Friday for a special Fable by Me, Margie.

    Thanks for the laughs today, Naked Authors. Yinz is good people. But I still want to know where the naked ones are, okay?

  24. J.D. Rhoades blog, http://jdrhoades.blogspot.com/ has indeed earned the coveted NC-17 for using the words hell, murder, fuck, vagina, and kill.

    The most recent "fuck" was yesterday. "Bush to Rule of Law: Fuck You."

    Way to go, J.D.

    And Margie, Keith Olberman on MSNBC tonight did a very long, articulate essay, recounting the Bush years and calling upon both Bush/Cheyney to resign.

    Yes, Friday, everybody tune into Lipstick for Margie's latest.