Tuesday, March 20, 2007

Naked Author Found, Dragged to Court

Naked Author Paul Levine, missing for two weeks, was spotted yesterday in the Metropolitan Courthouse on Hill Street, where he has been called for Jury Duty.

(Whether there is a lawyer in Los Angeles dim enough to let Levine sit on a criminal case jury remains to be seen).

Levine's first act upon moseying into the Jurors' Waiting Room was to assert his right to have stone crabs for lunch at state expense, as guaranteed by the Bill of Rights. A Court Clerk reportedly asked a Bailiff to keep an eye on Levine.

As some of you know, Levine was a trial lawyer in his youth. Here is a rare photo of Paul heading to court.
Levine says he would love to serve on a jury, as long as it does not interfere with his afternoon nap.

(Illustration by John Cuneo)

Unfortunately, Levine was not called to serve on the hottest trial downtown. Jury selection also began yesterday in the murder trial of the legendary (and legendarily weird) record producer Phil Spector. About the only news coming out of yesterday's session was that the high-heel wearing Defendant shifted to a hipper, shorter wig from his earlier court appearance.

Spector is charged with placing a gun in the mouth of Lana Clarkson, an actress and House of Blues hostess and shooting her for rejecting his amorous advances. Inasmuch as most women would rather have sex with a syphilitic porcupine than Mr. Spector, this does not seem to be an unreasonable possibility. (The defendant also has an extensive history of waving guns in people's faces when arguing).

Slick-suited Mafia mouthpiece Bruce Cutler is Spector's lawyer. Now, tell me, if you were casting The Sopranos, and Tony needed a lawyer, wouldn't this guy get the job? Spector has been free on bail for four years -- let me repeat that -- four years! That's how long it takes to get a celebrity murder case to trial in the so-called Justice System in La-La Land. Spector made a de facto confession to, at least, manslaughter, but he's singing a different tune now. Our prediction: if the trial isn't going well, his new song will be "Da Do Run Run"

But back to our non-missing Naked Author. As we went to press, Levine was reportedly being examined in voir dire by a young prosecutor in a dull-as-dirt misdemeanor case. According to a partial transcript:

Q: Now, Mr. Levine. Do you believe in the jury system?

A: Actually, I prefer trial by combat.

We will keep you posted.


  1. I just got a summons for jury duty, too!!!! This is beginning to reek of a vast right-wing conspiracy perpetrated against we NakedAuthors by the nefarious Ann Coulter and the mysterious Commander Raab (see yesterday's comments). Seeking remedy. Anyone?

  2. Ask them if you can bring your notebooks and voice recorder with you to jury service, as you're doing research for a new novel. They'll have you outta there so fast, your head will spin. :-D

    All we have to do is tell them that we're artists - ie, read obvious liberal - and they don't let us within twenty feet of a courthouse. :-D

    Or you can ask them if jury duty will interfere with you taking your meds. :-D


  3. Ah, well, good luck either way.

    And congrats on your Thriller nominee. I've read yours and PJ Parrish's, and I'm hard-pressed to come up with two books nominated for the same award yet whose only similarities are:

    1. They are written in English
    2. They are excellent

    If either of you should decide to decline, I would be glad to fill in your spot, noting with green envy that my novel The Devil's Pitchfork did not get to the final five. Of course, Pitchfork isn't very similar to either of your novels either.

    Just remember, re. jury duty: hang'em.

  4. Mark and Marianne, what great suggestions. Too bad our missing Pauly didn't have the benefit of your wisdom before he got sucked into the legal system.

  5. And the irony is that (knowing LA) you are the ONLY person in the jury pool who is not thinking about writing a book about his experience. And ditto the congrats on your Thriller nomination. Obviously the jury is not out on Levine.

  6. Great fun! Waiting for the next installment. When does the 2-disc director's cut special platinum collector's edition come out, and will it have commentary?

    Keep it going.

    Tom, T.O.

  7. Just tell the judge you ARE Ann Coulter. That should get you off any jury. It might get into someplace else you don't want to be, but that's another story.

  8. Wow. Spector. BOTH wigs are so horrible... you'd think with four years out on bail, he could have shopped a little more?

    I mean, even http://www.wilshirewigs.com/JENNIFER-by-Hair-Trix-(Clearance)-pr-558.html would be preferable...

  9. Congrats on yet another award nom, Paul. You're a steamroller.